you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
