I just gift wrapped bread.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
the liver wants what the liver wants
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
