There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
