I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
