Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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