i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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