My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
