How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
