Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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