so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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