You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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