Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
