I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
