I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm passing your future prison.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
