So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
