Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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