im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
