Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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