I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
