Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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