the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
