i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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