So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
