i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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