I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
