so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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