Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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