Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
