Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
