Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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