she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
