Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
