my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
