How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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