I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
