If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
