My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
