is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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