Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
