Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
