I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
