I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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