I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
