wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
