Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
