when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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