he puts the penis in happiness.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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