Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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