its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
