apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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