my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
