Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
