To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
